whitedove01s: (Default)
Yeah, yeah... no entries, no nothin for a while... Why? Cause I've been fighting a BAD patch of depression. The last time I was this ^$%$&ed up was before my nervous breakdown in high school...

My chocolate stash is GONE except for a couple easter bunny turtles I'd been saving, a hollow egg, and a 10-pack of crunch bars.

I spent 8 hours a few days back staring at the back of a pillow, laying in bed, just completely lacking the slight bit of enthusiasm nessasary to bother getting out of bed.

Today isn't much better...

I've been playing a little more UO, been trying to work more on writing... but... it's hard to do anything when you can clearly see you're getting NOWHERE...

I mean, my job's 4 hours a week... I did NOT ask for these hours, they came about because I reported the manager for sexual harassment. Between that and certain other things, going to work at all is a stressful thing I could do without. I'd just plain quit, but 4 hours is better than no hours budgetwise... and any other place I've put in an application didn't call back, even tho I stayed offline during buisness hours to let em. I've given up on doing that, as it's obvious by now nobody else has any intention of hiring me... I think filing a complaint got me blacklisted somehow.

I'm in a single-wide trailer, on food stamps, and having to put up with Karen (my mother)... and I do NOT get along with her well. Put short, I no longer have a home, just my room, with the door locked... Just like out on the farm, except no trees to escape to here.

And there's no way out. I can't get rid of her, partly because of family obligation and partly cause it's her monthly check that's paying the bills. Getting a better job has netted nothing. Going back to school would be a joke, as WV does not offer any improvement in employment options for higher education. The last person I met around here who'd gone to college was last seen working a supermarket register. All school would net me is another bill, and I need that like I need another hole in my head.

I can't afford to move. Heck, I can't afford to file bankrupt (that costs $500, btw). Not that I need to do the latter... all there are are the monthly utility bills (I count internet as a utility), and my UO and server costs... We don't even have cable TV, and my car and the trailer and lot are paid for.

My car's taken a lot of damage lately too, due to several factors (no, not an accident... vandalism). If it goes, I can't afford another one.

And if it doesn't... as long as we still get food stamps basically things can just drag on like this indefinately... I don't know how to get out of it. That's what gets to me the most... the feeling that it's never going to get better... and having the facts back that up.

I don't want this to be the rest of my life. I want a farm, and trees... an orchard... and some fluffy lil sheep... and maybe a pony. I want to grow my own food, and not have to see a paved road unless I have to make a trip into town for something.

I just want this all to go away, and it won't... and I don't know what to do to change it. And the more depressed I get, the less I CAN do, even regarding everyday things. That's the thing about depression, you can't even find the will to move because it just doesn't matter.

I can't even try to do something creative like write and try to publish a book (the only idea to come to mind, regarding the Moonstone stories, btw)... because when I'm like this I just can't write, except simming and editing, because I don't have to think for that.

Heck, simming would be a good thing, but it seems my schedule's too messed up and I keep missing Mark entirely. I'd welcome even a goof off sim. I forget my own problems when I have that to distract me. But the last really good goof off sims went away with the Padded Cell's Saturday Cellchat, which never happens anymore, for reasons I don't know. So much for what joke of a social life I had. If they do anything like that at the Hangar I wouldn't know. I was never invited.

You think I'd be used to it by now...

When people do remember I exist I almost feel I should adopt an Eeyore quote as a tagline... "Thanks for noticing me." But, more often than it I just get left behind, and no explanations given. Like with Chaser... I never found out why she dropped Alliance and quit talking to me.

Or a lot of the people I used to talk to. Granted, some of those were probably put off while I was talking to Moonscream, but I don't talk to her anymore (and I at least gave reason why...)

I guess I have an odd codependant streak... or I would, except there's never anyone to talk to... And I'm pretty much babbling at random in here now...

*sigh* Someone needs a hot soaky bath, a good book, and a mug of cocoa.... and for once, I don't mean BW Rampage.

I wonder why the Cellchats stopped. Was there a reason? Or did opening them just get forgotten?

People I no longer hear from and don't know why: Stel, Sciz, 'Chaser, Shadowlancer, Zobovor, Jazzy, Xand, Baron, Gemini, Icy ... oh forget it, I'd never remember the whole list by now... Where do people go to when they disappear? I guess they have real lives. I doubt I'm allowed one.

I'd better go ahead and cut this short for now. I just keep rambling in it just to type...


Sep. 16th, 2004 01:15 am
whitedove01s: (Default)
Well, nothin much today...

Had to run Karen to the library, so at least got to go over their sale rack and get a few new books to read.

Also, luckily, found another place to put in a job application... at a video store in Poca. Bit of a drive, but...

Anyhow, also gave in and lanced that damn blister/abcess whatever that had formed near a bad jawtooth with a sewing pin... I hate being unable to afford to go to a dentist, not to mention having a genetic predisposition towards bad teeth from my dad's side of the family...

Unfortunatly, now I feel kinda queasy as a result. Hope I don puke...

It'd been like that almost a month... I'm hopin doin somethin drastic like this instead of waiting for the damn thing to go down might do somethin about the way I've been feelin lately. So far, not an improvement - now I'm tired and nauseous.

It's not like I'm even sure that has anything to do with how I've felt. For all I know, that could be from another bad patch of depression. But, since I can't find my blasted thermometer to check my tempreture and see if I'm runnin a fever... might as well...
whitedove01s: (Default)
Been feelin a lil off the last few days, and haven't gotten anything done other than sorting MP3s and cleaning up some techspec notes...

Oh yeah, and takin this... *shrugs*

Borderline:Very High
Histrionic:Very High
Avoidant:Very High
Dependent:Very High

-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --


whitedove01s: (Default)

May 2017

141516 17181920


RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Sep. 22nd, 2017 01:39 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios