whitedove01s: (Default)
Yeah, yeah... no entries, no nothin for a while... Why? Cause I've been fighting a BAD patch of depression. The last time I was this ^$%$&ed up was before my nervous breakdown in high school...

My chocolate stash is GONE except for a couple easter bunny turtles I'd been saving, a hollow egg, and a 10-pack of crunch bars.

I spent 8 hours a few days back staring at the back of a pillow, laying in bed, just completely lacking the slight bit of enthusiasm nessasary to bother getting out of bed.

Today isn't much better...

I've been playing a little more UO, been trying to work more on writing... but... it's hard to do anything when you can clearly see you're getting NOWHERE...

I mean, my job's 4 hours a week... I did NOT ask for these hours, they came about because I reported the manager for sexual harassment. Between that and certain other things, going to work at all is a stressful thing I could do without. I'd just plain quit, but 4 hours is better than no hours budgetwise... and any other place I've put in an application didn't call back, even tho I stayed offline during buisness hours to let em. I've given up on doing that, as it's obvious by now nobody else has any intention of hiring me... I think filing a complaint got me blacklisted somehow.

I'm in a single-wide trailer, on food stamps, and having to put up with Karen (my mother)... and I do NOT get along with her well. Put short, I no longer have a home, just my room, with the door locked... Just like out on the farm, except no trees to escape to here.

And there's no way out. I can't get rid of her, partly because of family obligation and partly cause it's her monthly check that's paying the bills. Getting a better job has netted nothing. Going back to school would be a joke, as WV does not offer any improvement in employment options for higher education. The last person I met around here who'd gone to college was last seen working a supermarket register. All school would net me is another bill, and I need that like I need another hole in my head.

I can't afford to move. Heck, I can't afford to file bankrupt (that costs $500, btw). Not that I need to do the latter... all there are are the monthly utility bills (I count internet as a utility), and my UO and server costs... We don't even have cable TV, and my car and the trailer and lot are paid for.

My car's taken a lot of damage lately too, due to several factors (no, not an accident... vandalism). If it goes, I can't afford another one.

And if it doesn't... as long as we still get food stamps basically things can just drag on like this indefinately... I don't know how to get out of it. That's what gets to me the most... the feeling that it's never going to get better... and having the facts back that up.

I don't want this to be the rest of my life. I want a farm, and trees... an orchard... and some fluffy lil sheep... and maybe a pony. I want to grow my own food, and not have to see a paved road unless I have to make a trip into town for something.

I just want this all to go away, and it won't... and I don't know what to do to change it. And the more depressed I get, the less I CAN do, even regarding everyday things. That's the thing about depression, you can't even find the will to move because it just doesn't matter.

I can't even try to do something creative like write and try to publish a book (the only idea to come to mind, regarding the Moonstone stories, btw)... because when I'm like this I just can't write, except simming and editing, because I don't have to think for that.

Heck, simming would be a good thing, but it seems my schedule's too messed up and I keep missing Mark entirely. I'd welcome even a goof off sim. I forget my own problems when I have that to distract me. But the last really good goof off sims went away with the Padded Cell's Saturday Cellchat, which never happens anymore, for reasons I don't know. So much for what joke of a social life I had. If they do anything like that at the Hangar I wouldn't know. I was never invited.

You think I'd be used to it by now...

When people do remember I exist I almost feel I should adopt an Eeyore quote as a tagline... "Thanks for noticing me." But, more often than it I just get left behind, and no explanations given. Like with Chaser... I never found out why she dropped Alliance and quit talking to me.

Or a lot of the people I used to talk to. Granted, some of those were probably put off while I was talking to Moonscream, but I don't talk to her anymore (and I at least gave reason why...)

I guess I have an odd codependant streak... or I would, except there's never anyone to talk to... And I'm pretty much babbling at random in here now...

*sigh* Someone needs a hot soaky bath, a good book, and a mug of cocoa.... and for once, I don't mean BW Rampage.

I wonder why the Cellchats stopped. Was there a reason? Or did opening them just get forgotten?

People I no longer hear from and don't know why: Stel, Sciz, 'Chaser, Shadowlancer, Zobovor, Jazzy, Xand, Baron, Gemini, Icy ... oh forget it, I'd never remember the whole list by now... Where do people go to when they disappear? I guess they have real lives. I doubt I'm allowed one.

I'd better go ahead and cut this short for now. I just keep rambling in it just to type...


whitedove01s: (Default)

May 2017

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